Alti

Further Summer journaling (a multi-pager)...

8/10/24

This question of morals and values. I wonder if people have inherent moral compases that are unique to them, and then their relationship with the outside world affects it one way or another. It is the debate atheists and believers have a lot. Atheists (Hitchens) say you will be who you will be, good or bad. Believers say you desperately need God and religion to mold you into a good or decent person.

Remember the AA meeting off Goodlette near the East Trail? The seemingly very old-school, seemingly deeply rooted in the life-and-death, strung out, hard-core practitioner feel of the meetings? And yet it was so spiritually rich, at least for a guy like me. Every AA meeting possesses some aspect of this. I am in the Great Reality meeting at the New Attitudes Club. It fills me up. I'm sorry, but church and synagogue seem to miss the point. AA is based in reality. It takes that harsh reality and ties it to a power greater than themselves. No inane story of supernatural nonsense.

I shouldn't take for granted what these alcoholics are going through in order to pull themselves to a meeting and share. I am moved by it in part due to this fact. Everyhing I grapple with influences my choices and what I give to the world, as well. I can relate to an alcoholic because I haven't abused myself too badly, so my threshold for discomfort is very low as a result. Do the AAers want to help a suffering person who wants their solution?

I can't believe it. I spilled my guts in the meeting tonight.

EA - AA - CoDa - OA - AA

I put forth my idea about Redford's The Sting ending remark.

You know what shouldn't be confusing? Ranking people. Like KN's page does so deftly. The cream rises to the top, right? If one particular girl was head and shoulders above the rest, was that supposed to be clear to me in some consistent, deep way? I saw in her letter that she understood my predicament. She characterized me with great precision. Isn't that why I gave up on trusting my instincts? My compass is somehow broken. The most obvious thing in the world - how I feel - seems not to be accessible.

I would also say that I have caused great damage to my karma. Or my karma has damaged those around me. Either way, karma is not my best friend. I would say that however many years I have left will seem sparse in relation to the effort I'll need to right any and all wrongs perpetrated my me. I, first of all, am quite poor at this process of change. Identifying my shortcomings is an Herculean task for me. Therefore this will not be quick. Much of the information must come from outside of me. Perhaps from the very sources that I have wronged.