don't breathe

Funny that I think I'm reinventing the wheel. I think very highly of myself. There's nothing new under the sun. Now I know that more than ever. Just breathe. There are some very simple things which can be done.

I live in a bridged world. I am almost in the sphere of the here and now. I am not a blogger these days. But I am grappling with the kinds of things that one might blog about. I remember the Y. I remember bringing the kids there. I had a long history there, I guess. Ever since I moved to Naples.

I have to say, I am unearthing all the paradoxes and conundrums that take place in the realm of the divine. Being a believer really takes one for a loop. If I were a true alcoholic I could swallow their approach with less question. Or not. There it is, my tendency to blame outside forces for my own problems.

I think the thing that is happening that is different from my past efforts is consistency. It may not be pretty or smooth, but I have managed to stay on a similar course since that day I struck upon a higher power that I can believe in, while wandering in our Pathumthani courtyard.

Here, watch this: God, I have missed you as I've gone about my past days. God, I have become closer to you than I can even fathom. You and I are buddies. Best buddies. I feel you in my breath. Because you understand me. We understand each other. Are you having a good day? I was thinking I would convene with you every hour. I might set an alarm clock, a chime. It would help me make consistent contact. I have a tendency to be inconsistent. I saw a video where a guy was praying and repenting while in the company of a man who turned out to be the devil. It's one of the first times I realized that my challenges in communicating and believing in you might stem from a great tidal wave of forces which want to contradict your holy, wonderful ways. It is only natural that I would have difficulty.

The point is that there is no doubt that I am only benefitting from knowing you more intimately, so whatever forces - internal or external - that block that, are worth combatting. Perhaps I'm full of guilt. Perhaps I'm ashamed. Perhaps I'm afraid of standing out from the crowd that I've known and bonded with all of my life, starting with my family of origin. But what can I do? I feel it swelling up, little by little, or like a tempest, and I can't think of a good reason why I would try to quash it. I can think of a thousand reasons to encourage it. Every little detail of my life is improving. And the hope that I can improve someone else's life is certainly an inspiring prospect. I have had glimpses of the moments where I did make a positive difference in another's life. They are things that fade quickly, but maybe that is something which can become more of the norm. I have no choice but to take my time, let time take its course, at least as the way things stand right now. I don't know the pace of the tidal wave, or the drip, drip, drip of the water spigot.