parched

I have let modern technology get the best of me. I didn't realize the app wasn't saving my writing, so it forced me to refresh/delete the page instead of publish it. I took a screenshot and saved about half of it. Here is that half:

"I guess I could set up a dinner bell so I know it's time [to write]. I remember thinking that one of my problems is a lack of awareness of when I'm going over the line. I thought I could even use the infraction itself as a sort of dinner bell. I've been counting on that, ridiculous as it sounds. But it isn't working out. It's really a razor's edge between succumbing to my vice and using an adaptive coping strategy. There's really no way of telling which way the pendulum will swing.

"If every time I have a project which takes me away from this journaling I fall off the razor, I better learn to be extra vigilant. I better learn that it's no joke. There's a level of seriousness here. Another thing I better learn is that it's really up to me. And me alone. No one will come save me. Relying on someone is another way I think there's an easy way through. There's no easy way out. But why do I feel it is so hard, anyway? Is it hard spiritually? Yes, perhaps. But otherwise it's no problem. There's no downside that I am aware of. All of the supposed downsides are illusory. And they are all counterbalanced by the upsides."

So I had started out by discussing the fact that I was shocked by my slip. I said that it's really just an expression when people say they're shocked, or say they can't believe something. Moderately intelligent people know when something is believable or passes the muster. But you say you can't believe as a way of expressing shock. I guess there are people out there who really don't seem to comprehend when something is in fact believable. That could be one of the things that's wrong with our society. That discernment. But I know where I put that line. My problem is acting accordingly. The problem people in society don't seem to have any difficulty in acting on their beliefs. They are more than happy to do it. Too bad they can't tell which way is up.

I'm too tough on those people, you say. Life's not so easy to figure out. There are always two sides. Everyone has their own history they are working from. But nowadays there is more information available. You don't have to see things so one-sidedly. Now you can know where you may be acting from an entitled perspective. We should always be vigilant in looking for that razor that divides us. Don't use it to cut up another. See it for its positive quality - it's very thin, and we're closer to each other than we think.

Just when I found out that writing has a positive effect, I pushed my luck too far. I went to the other side of the razor's edge. You can look over the top of the razor. But you dare not. Don't cross the line. It will cut you. I've been had. I've been cut. So here I sit, in a state of suffering. I should have taken the danger of the razor more seriously when it comes to my vice. I was too trusting of the wrong things. I should know better, right? I thought I could use the vice itself as an alarm bell. But the vice itself is on the other side of the razor, exactly where I shouldn't stray.

The razor doesn't allow for easy crossing. You have to traverse it with aplomb. You very well might trip on your way back. You might cut yourself.

At least I don't feel so badly anymore. I rewrote some of my thoughts, and I will have to take it as a lesson on modern technology. This happened awhile back, but I had forgotten. What a shock! Isn't that a funny expression? Expressing shock when the thing is self evident. It's like you're hoping it's self evident, but in reality it isn't.