Parsnip

8/28/24

If only. All the comfort. Hitchens endeavors to strike fear. Self respect is what he calls on. Where is that line between man-made and the spirit? In me it moves. I didn't used to contemplate this. I even dismissed the religion chapter of Grow Up! But this faith releases something in me, it opens something. It accesses something I otherwise don't get. Some days I am capable of enjoying it for enjoyment's sake. I can't believe D relates to atheism. I guess we're friends because we both can see the other's POV.

I wish. I wish I didn't vacillate. People would like me to join their clubs. That would require something I seem not to have in abundance. I am following an inner voice, I guess. Don't I also get swayed by outer voices at times?

One conundrum is this question of paths taken. Choices made. In other words, regret. What if I regret? Does that sentence me to relive things? Does regret have a function? It helps you to not make the same mistakes. Isn't that what AA's God (and probably other's) is supposed to help with? Don't regret the past. The 12 steps address this question. Clear away the wreckage of the past. K seems to suffer from regret as well, albeit of a different genre. She has a different way of handling it than me.

I wonder if a lot of people wouldn't put up with the kind of consternation and vacillation that I seemingly permit myself. They make final determinations about life and leave it at that. I feel like I wasn't always like this. Maybe it just got amplified due to life's slings and arrows. Or I wasn't the happy-go-lucky boy I envision. However, this vacillation is quite a nuisance, a burden. I'm not taking one step at a time. I'm leaping around. Maybe I'm on the ASD spectrum. This could inhibit my ability to deal with what life throws at me. Someone else would be okay.