silly

I obviously think this is easy to fix. Despite years of proof to the contrary. When I'm in the aftermath, I am sure I'll never do it again. There's every reason not to. But when I'm in the throes of it, all of those reasons are so easily disregarded. I like that the Big Book acts like they came up with this stuff. That they are so original. Should I doubt myself that it's really not original? Did they plant it in my brain, so now I think I could have thought of it on my own? Or is it one of those cases where they verbalized it so well that you believe they invented it?

I am gullible. That's for sure. Very gullible. When I want something to be true, I'll buy into it. I mean look at my fat. Look at that fat stomach. That isn't inspiration enough? I'm sure my triglycerides are quite an impressive number. My poor teeth and skin.

But what about the thing that I decided was the worst of all? That I can't enjoy life correctly. Everything is off kilter. It's sucks the pleasure out of normal things that are all around me. Friends, family, breathing, sunshine. You can't compete with sugar and gluttony. They are off the charts. Your brain can't do it. That must be what Skinny Bitch was talking about when it said that sugar is an addictive substance. How do you kick that habit? Just realize that at some point in every day of my adult life I have wished I didn't eat sugar. Or overeaten. That's a lot of instances. I wish I didn't have this personality-altering compulsion. Now I see that it goes so deep in its harmful effects. I cannot perceive anything with accuracy. It is king of all it surveys. Instead of enjoying its effects, I should be rueing them. Every time I think about having sugar, in whatever form, I should be having pangs of regret for everything I am losing in life. Especially the wonderful things. What is so bad about simple pleasures? Why can't I appreciate their merits? It could be a philosophical problem at its root, that sugar got mixed up in.

What if this is the last time I do this to myself? Is that so hard to fathom? What if I am done with it, as of this moment? I will never again go over that line. What would happen? Would it result in a boundless joy in life that I can not even fathom right now? Yes. Yes. It wouldn't be superficial, as I seem to fear. It would be incredibly deep. It would mean the world to me, and to anyone I come into contact with. People would get sick of my levity and the way I sucked the marrow out of life. They would have to take breaks from it. Or they would be drawn to it. They couldn't get enough of it. Something of that order.