Stacker

8/21/24

Isn't it possible that my ethical compass seems broken because I am trying to perceive things (people) way above my pay grade? I don't have an emotional frame of reference. I am supposed to tell the difference (Serenity Prayer) between things I have a good sense of and things that elude me. I am trying to discern science and religion. But perhaps I am at the very beginning of such a conundrum, intellectually.

And I see the utter cuteness of Max and Finley, especially when they are playing together, but there are levels beyond that that I am ill-equipped to discern. I try every day to increase that degree of perception. Incrementally, I'd say. I've been at it for quite some time, haven't I. Maybe Buddhists believe that you can continue this process in your next life (and that this life is a continuation from the one[s] prior).

I can't believe K and I made them. They are so precious!

I guess my spirituality is and will be a hodge-podge of varying elements.

I want to know what is wrong with my eating choices. At the moment I am making them, I don't see the error of my ways. I know it is somehow wrapped up in the karmic, moral quality which I am investigating. I eat the way I behave - because it is my destiny. Because it is how I have been programmed. The way I eat when I'm sick contrasts so greatly to when I'm not sick. (I can't really say "when I'm well" because I don't allow myself to ever experience true wellness. If I eat better, I'm fantasizing about eating poorly, and that is a sickness in and of itself.)

I think I look down on healthy people in some way. It's some kind of badge of honor to put shit into my body. It's odd that I'd do it voluntarily, not as a form of self abuse.